Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
