I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
