he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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