Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The best revenge is premature balding
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I am naked and annoyed.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
