woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
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She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
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I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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