I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
