I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
