You smell like a Billy Joel song
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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