I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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