my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
