My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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