a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
