Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
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you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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