fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
