Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
