i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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