i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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