its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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