I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
