I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
