You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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