hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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