I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
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I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
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Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize