GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
