She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize