I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i think i have two assholes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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