I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
