A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
