i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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