i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
