wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
