I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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