My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
