you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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