god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You are the jesus of drinking
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
