I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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