I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
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I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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