His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
