I should be sponsored by Trojan
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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