Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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