someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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