actually, I'm a sock model
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
