All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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