is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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