I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
