based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
