It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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