Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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