Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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