my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
