my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There's always time for handjobs
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
