The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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