Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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