she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
