my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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