I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like the curious george of whores
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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