So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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