I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
All the doctor said was why
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
