i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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