my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
