Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
