I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
