News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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