I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
